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Otis and Gilbert in “Summer Vacation!”

June 15, 2011
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The following brilliance was written by Ashley Burns as a guest post for Magic Basketball Online. The stories that are portrayed in this program may or may not be based on real events.

Otis and Gilbert in “Summer Vacation!”

Starring:

Otis Smith

Gilbert Arenas

Dwight Howard

Old Man DeVos

Hedo Turkoglu

And introducing Fran Vasquez

-Episode I: Taking Care of Business- 

(Otis Smith arrives at his office the first day after the NBA Finals. Gilbert Arenas is sleeping outside his door in full pajamas.)

Otis: Gilbert, wake up! Why are you asleep outside my office?

Gilbert: Hey BFF! You said last week that we needed to get to work this week thinking of a way we can convince Dwight to sign a new deal. So here I am, first thing this morning, best pal.

Otis: I like your attitude, Gil. That’s why I brought you here. What you lack in knees, ability and conviction, you more than make up for in being my friend. So do you have any ideas?

Gilbert: Well I went on this blind double date with these two cougars over the weekend, and I spent most of the next day Tweeting about it, so I haven’t had much time to think about it. But why don’t we just get Chris Paul?

Otis: Well that’s what I want to do, but all these GMs keep telling me that our contracts are terrible. That doesn’t make any sense because our contracts are the second highest in the league!

(Knock on door, Otis’ secretary enters.)

Secretary: Mr. Smith, Dwight Howard is here to see you.

Otis: Dwight! My star player, what can I do for you today?

(Dwight looks away and holds up a sock puppet.)

Dwight (through sock puppet): I have been instructed to tell you that Dwight does not want to talk to you, so I will talk for him. Dwight wants to know what your plans are to surround him with quality teammates.

Otis: My plans? Dwight, I already went out and got you Gilbert here. He’s got one of the highest contracts in league history! He was a scoring champion only five years ago and he plans to recapture that talent next season.

Gilbert: I’m busting my ass for you, Dwight! Wait, hold on… Damn, I’m late for another blind date.

(Police officer bursts into the room.)

Officer: Mr. Arenas, I am here to serve you papers.

Gilbert: Dude, I don’t have time for this, I need to get laid!

(Gilbert leaves as Hedo Turkoglu enters.)

Otis: Hedo! Dwight, here’s your good friend Hedo Turkoglu, whom I traded for this past season because you two play so well together.

Hedo: Dwight, I am devoted to being a better player for you. So I am mastering a new jump shot to help us win. Instead of shooting off balance and short, I am going to shoot sitting on my ass and backwards. It will be impossible to cover.

Dwight (through sock puppet): You guys, I’m serious. Dwight wants young, talented players around him now. He’s already told you to look at free agents like Glen Davis or Jamal Crawford, or trading for a guy like Stephen Jackson to add some muscle back to this team.

Otis: And we’re trying to work on a deal, Superman. Just last night I called up Philly and Golden State and I said, “I will give you anyone you want for Monta Ellis and Andre Iggydiggy” and Jerry West said, “OK, give us Dwight Howard” and I said, “Deal” but then I said, “Wait a second, I’m not falling for that” and they laughed at me. And another owner keeps calling and asking if Chris Duhon is available, but before I can make an offer they laugh and hang up. I’m working some deals, Dwight.

(The doors burst open again and Rich DeVos enters the room.)

Old Man DeVos: Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that Dwight is unhappy and refuses to speak directly to Otis until he sees that deals are being made. Otis, here is a billion dollars. Make a deal, I’m going back to my cryo-chamber.

Otis: Hey Dwight, while I have you here, I was wondering if I could get you to sign an autograph for my nephew.

Dwight: Damn it, man, for the last time you are not going to trick me into signing the extension!

(Otis turns on the TV, David Pingalore is making a breaking announcement.)

Otis: Hey look, Dwight. Big breaking news… (Otis ducks under his desk.)

Ping: I have it on good authority that the Magic have just traded for Chris Paul, Deron Williams, Derrick Rose and Dirk Nowitzki. The deal is as good as done…

Dwight: Damn it, Otis! Get off the phone!

Otis: I’ll call you later, Ping. Dwight, listen, I know you’re upset but I’m already working on getting Gilbert to restructure his contract. You just have to give me time.

Dwight: Restructure? How?

Otis: Instead of $20-22 million over the next 3 seasons, he’ll get $1-1.2 million over the next 20 seasons! Then I’ll have enough money to give Michael Redd a max contract. We’ll win 10 championships!

(The doors burst open again. A mysterious man in a hooded cape rides in on a donkey. He throws it off to reveal…)

Mysterious Stranger: Haff no fear, amigos! It ees I, FRAN VASQUEZ! I AM MAGIC NOW!

Dwight: Oh f*ck this.

To be continued…

                     …

Ashley Burns is a man who loves the Orlando Magic and is a third-year season ticket holder. He also writes a lot, is often angry, and is on display as a daily contributor at With Leather and Uproxx. And he is the future mayor of Orlando. Follow him on Twitter at @MayorBurnsy.

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