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Otis Smith is a Monster

March 3, 2011

Huzzah, the Magic beat the Knicks. Don’t let the team’s recent success fool you, though.

These past few months, we’ve all sat idly by while Otis Smith lays waste to everything we know and love. I think we can all agree that, now, after he pushed Troy Murphy away by offering vanilla flavored ice cream (when we all know he likes Organic Vanilla Bean), enough is enough. How much more can we take before this criminal is removed from his post? The atrocities he has created can no longer be tolerated by those willing to do something.

What has he done, you ask? Well, if you honestly don’t know, then I will inform you. Although I highly doubt your peanut-sized brain is capable of understanding how these things overwhelmingly affect this team and Orlando as a whole. But in hopes that you abandon silly things such as reason and facts and stats, I offer you these points:

–          Otis has singlehandedly put the entire town of Orlando into debt. Were it not for his stoic assurance that this team will win a championship, Orlando never would have built a new multi-million dollar arena. Subsequently, with his broken promises, Orlando wouldn’t have to pay for a marginal ice cream shop across the street from Amway and Rick Scott would have kept the high speed rail. Way to go, Smith.

–          Otis Smith killed JFK. The blood may not be on his hands, but let’s look at the facts: JFK was killed by two sharpshooters. Who else would hire only people who attack from range? If Danny Ainge was behind it, he would have sent someone out there to act like the cavalcade hit him while some thug cursed uncontrollably as he bludgeoned Kennedy from behind.

To be fair, he didn't hold Lebron responsible for the Cuban Missile Crisis

-          Otis Smith caused the swine flu outbreak. The day that the cure came out, major pharmaceutical companies were moving pieces to try and get a hold of it; but not Otis Smith. He sat around, letting everyone else try and make the world better. Otis would later say, “I like the world’s immune system the way it is, I think we can beat any virus thrown our way.” Tell that to polio, Otis.

–          Otis Smith stunted Jameer’s growth. After being drafted, Jameer Nelson was on pace to end up being a 6’5” PG with quicks and ball skills to boot. But Smith always has to do things the hard way, so he tricked Jameer into taking supplements that would slow his hormonal development down, leaving him barely 6’, and with no options but to become a shoot-first PG. I mean he can barely see over a piece of tiramisu, how can he possibly pass through the lane? Thanks a lot, Otis.

–          Otis introduced Turkoglu to pizza. Turkoglu used to be a refined bodybuilder who was completely void of being injury prone, with the stamina of Magnolia horse racing cross country. Right up until Otis placed a box of Pizza Hut in front of his locker. Turk’s curiosity got the best of him, and since then he’s become the inconsistent player we know, prone to turnovers because his hands are covered in grease.

–          Otis Smith funded The Last Airbender. No description needed.

–          Otis Smith fired first. Want to know why Han Solo was so hated by Greedo’s loved ones? Because Otis is a bastard, and in the middle of their discussion, he fired a shot at Han just for s@!ts and giggles. And now Greedo’s family gets no pension, because he was killed off duty, and we all know Jabba has a strict life insurance policy.


–          Otis Smith sold out Pearl Harbor for shares in Hello Kitty and Gilbert Arenas. December 7th, 1941, a day that will live in infamy. Mainly because Otis’ subterfuge against America came to fruition, and now he rests in his Scrooge McDuck money tower, laughing all the way to the bank. The same one he has to make withdrawals from to pay Gilbert Arenas . Is it any coincidence that Arenas’ name is an anagram for Brain String EEA, a known entertainment terrorist group notorious for sabotaging mid-market teams?

So there you have it, Otis Smith is a man with no scruples who must be stopped before he runs this organization into the ground. We can no longer accept his methods. If he isn’t making a trade every day, if he isn’t finding a way for shots to fall at a higher percentage, if he isn’t sneaking into the NBA offices and erasing Dwight’s technicals off the records, well then he must go. Let your voices be heard Magic fans!

Sir Lawrence J is the Chief Otis Smith Writer in addition to the Senior Hilarity Writer for Magic Basketball OnlineHe is also available for rental for trivia competitions as well as karaoke parties. This is his second post on Magic Basketball Online.

  1. March 3, 2011 9:15 AM

    FACT: Otis Smith is Charlie Sheen’s coke dealer.

  2. Thatguy permalink
    March 3, 2011 3:21 PM

    Otis Smith kidnapped the Lindbergh baby.

    • Sir Lawrence J permalink
      March 3, 2011 5:30 PM

      You, thatguy, win the internets.

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