Otis and Gilbert in “Summer Vacation!” – Part Two
Otis and Gilbert in “Summer Vacation!”
Fran Vasquez as “El Hombre Mysterioso”
This Week’s Special Guest: Golden State Warriors consultant Jerry West
Episode 2: The Trade Machine Rolls On
(Otis Smith’s alarm clock rings and he rolls over to shut it off. Otis opens his eyes and sees Gilbert Arenas standing next to his bed in full uniform.)
Otis: GILLLLLLLLLBERRRRRRRRT! What the hell are you doing, man?
Gilbert: Good morning, BFF! I brought you some coffee!
(Gilbert hands Otis a bag of ground coffee.)
Otis: Gilbert, why are you in my house and why are you wearing your uniform?
Gilbert: I made a big promise to Dwight Howard to work out more and get better for next season so I can put this team on my back and win a championship and a MVP and Comeback Player of the Year and Father of the Year and Father of the Bride and an Emmy and one of them Pulitzers for all my awesome Tweeting.
Otis: One step at a time, Gilbert. Today we have a big meeting with Jerry West from Golden State to discuss my interest in Monta Ellis.
Gilbert: But I thought that Golden State said they didn’t want to trade him because he’s too valuable to them.
Otis: Gilbert, let me tell you a little thing about running a basketball team. We all say that we don’t want to trade certain players because they’re too valuable, but everyone is always available. How do you think I convinced Washington to trade you to Orlando? Because I told them that there was no way I was trading Rashard Lewis.
Gilbert: But didn’t Washington say there was no way they were trading me?
Otis: Exactly! I told them, Why don’t I trade you my untradeable player for your untradeable player. Then they laughed. And I laughed. And they laughed louder. And I didn’t really know what they were laughing about, but it was really funny because Ernie Grunfeld pissed his pants. Now let’s get going, we have to meet Jerry at my office.
(Otis’s secretary enters his office with Jerry West, Otis is sitting behind his desk and Gilbert is standing next to him, now wearing a tuxedo.)
Otis: Jerry, welcome to Orlando! I hope the homeless people didn’t try to eat you.
Jerry: Otis, I’m gonna get right to the point – we have no interest in trading Monta Ellis.
Otis: (winking at Jerry) I understand you. And we have no interest in trading Chris Duhon.
(Otis slides a pen and paper across the desk.)
Otis: I believe we have a deal, Jerry.
Jerry: We don’t have a deal. I’m not trading you Monta Ellis for your roster of bad contracts. I’m here to talk to you about Dwight. We’d like to offer you Ellis, Andris Biedrins and Ekpe Udoh for Dwight.
Otis: But Dwight isn’t available. I would never trade Dwight.
Gilbert: (laughing) That’s right, Jerry. We’d never trade Dwight. Now you’ve got yourself a god-damned deal.
Otis: Gilbert! Stop it, we’re not trading Dwight. Besides, aside from Monta, I’ve never even heard of those other two guys. They sound made up, and trust me – I can scout players. Like when I don’t trade away my draft picks I always have a copy of the Sporting News in front of me so I can draft the first player’s name I recognize.
Jerry: Otis, I don’t mean any disrespect, but I had to at least try. You’re not exactly known for making the best deals.
(Otis’ phone rings.)
Otis: Excuse me while I take this call, Jerry. Hello? Yes, this is Otis. Jameer, where are you? Antarctica? Why the hell would you be there? I traded you?!?! Damn it, I thought James Dolan sent me that penguin as a present. Hold tight, Jameer, I’m sending Hedo to get you. HEDOOOOOOO!
(Hedo Turkoglu bursts into the room.)
Hedo: Rock and roll, boss man. 10 a.m. and I’m two handles deep. Which way to the disco bar?
Otis: Hedo, go to Antarctica and get Jameer. He’s at a research base dressed like a little baby seal. I’m sure it’s adorable but we need him back here. And if any of Dolan’s henchmen are there, kill them.
Hedo: Sure thing, boss! U-S-A!
(Hedo jumps through window.)
Otis: Now Jerry, I believe we had a deal, Monta for Duhon. Go ahead and sign something.
Jerry: You’re insane, Otis. Don’t call me anymore.
Gilbert: All right, Otis! You didn’t have to trade Dwight. The team is saved! Let’s go lounge by the pool. I met these two 47-year old moms of 6 on Christian Dating who want to double date with us. Here, I brought two Speedos.
(Otis and Gilbert are laying by the pool as a hot air balloon lands in the water.)
Otis: What on Earth?
Fran Vasquez: Have no fear, amigos! Ees I, Fran Vasquez! I haff changed my mind and will not play! Adios, muchachos!
Otis: Damn, I was gonna trade him for Jermaine O’Neal.
To be continued…
Ashley Burns is a man who loves the Orlando Magic and is a third-year season ticket holder. He also writes a lot, is often angry, and is on display as a daily contributor at With Leather and Uproxx. And he is the future mayor of Orlando. Follow him on Twitter at @MayorBurnsy.